Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
Talking straight doesn’t mean you have to make others defensive. People get uptight when their control is removed or when their self-esteem is under attack. When you speak up, use clear, descriptive language. Avoid words such as “always” and “never” — even if you are complimenting someone. It’s a no-brainer that it’s infuriating to say to someone, “You never say anything nice.” But think about the impact of saying to someone, “You always do a great job!” You might be implying that the person better not have a “bad day.”
If you can describe someone’s behavior — without interpreting it — you will be far more likely to address the problem without offending the person. Better to say, “You are not letting me finish” than “You don’t care what I have to say, do you?” In addition, don’t control the solution by saying something like “We must stay within our budget,” when you could share the problem by saying, “I’m worried that we are over budget. What can we do about it?”
Let’s apply this advice to an everyday situation at work. Imagine that you have been upset about an overly friendly co-worker (a “schmoozer”) who hangs around you a lot, chatting about matters that are not work related, and doesn’t give you enough privacy or time to get your work done. Sometimes you try to get rid of the schmoozer with some excuse, but he doesn’t pick up on your hints. You realize that the time has come to address the problem. How might you deal with this situation?
You might continue hinting with words like “Boy, is it 11 o’clock already?” Or you might try to gamely continue working in his presence, giving him just the slightest attention until he picks up the hint. Or, in frustration, you might try a little veiled ridicule or embarrassment with words like “Don’t you ever have work to do?” Instead, consider a more straightforward approach. Concentrate on what you are experiencing because of his schmoozing: “I have a problem. When you come to visit me, I enjoy our conversations, but I get behind in my work. It would help me if we could ‘shoot the breeze’ over lunch instead.”
It’s hard enough to speak freely about your ideas and feelings. It’s even tougher when you are asserting your needs. For example, others may want something from you and you would rather not do it (your boss wants you to undertake an assignment that is not a good use of your talents), or you want something from others that may be an imposition (assistance in completing a project).